kinda get the hunch that someone despised me, like NOW!
kinda get the feeling that i need not to care..


..

hadnt been bloggin for awhile now huh?
ey, not that long actually. just feels like tis been long enuf.
kinda needed a break from my self-created-world through bloggin'.
i tot i had enuf of bombasting myself w some idealism to motivate myself.
i tot i need to taste the real world a little, and learn to be in total silence.
dats rite. minumum wording.

im more of a visual person anyways.
i mean,
i speak faul languange better than expressing myself to others.
i hardly can direct anyone on how to get to H from A (dun try me to Z).
i even hv a selected hearing -the kind that is enough, when ur in fashion!

i did found it, u know.
that total silence..
i was rather quiet in my travelling days.
is that peace?
pfft! do i seem like i care (now?)
of course, my body was a wreck as soon as i hit london town.
comes to think of it again, i kinda lost the plot somewhere here:
isnt holiday meant to replenished ur energy w outer energy?
while for me, i kinda (forced myself to hv that) preserved energy from within for whatever comes next..
then again, if u hv my never-certain-itinerary?
n ur nothing attached to any member of my family?
heck, id like to compare notes w u!

but here i go again.
goin bla bla bla...

once i tot, is the consequence from livin' alone.
ur innate need for not being alone, well.. err -kinda mess up ur head a little.
i remember last time, i used to see shadow.
or felt presence..
mumha said im a psycho.
the truth of what i saw/feel is however, still questionable until today. so i just shrugged my shoulder when she called me psycho.
wuts nu? the nuttier u get, the more natural ur drawing lines >)p

lets talk abt something.
shall we?

ah ya, holidays.

the easiest to write wud be, my trip to penang.
easiest cuz well, it was my last stop!
spent my days stayin there half half between office and home.
no, not my office -i guarantee u!
ok. roll back:
yea, went to penang to visit one of my closest friend.

lemme introduce u to her:

fiza. or fizzuh. fizzer. rapiza.. (as u can see, she hates her picture taken)
well, the girls decided 'mumha' suits her best.
why? cuz mumha tot us that "caring is sharing" -this includes boyfriends.
got u to pull ur head back a little didnt it? heheh.
those who got sanity, wud interpret this in its politically correct manner..
or we gonna slap u hard!!
mumha looks after us girls u see?
her mother is/was (not sure) a nurse. so mumha get to give me any free drug there is when i get sickly. so when her mother was in town? damn aunty lina's fried cod is the best homesick drug. i fought for da last piece with her son!
mumha loves to cook/baked too. from sandwiches up to dinner parties for 10 ppl?
faiyo.. you gotta taste mumha's touch. she'd give u nothin but da best. when there was no 'proper' lasagna arnd for my-hard-to-pls-taste-buds? she made one for me!
mumha is sporty. she got the body u wanna drool on. perfect? nah... is purrfect! she used to be my gym trainer. she plays tennis, dance, an equestrian and a dive master.. lemme rephrase, she do water sports. snorkling, cannoeing.. wakeboarding?
mumha is funky too! she had mutant? mullet? hair-do b4 everyone elses does it. and heck, mumha knows how to shop too. yet, if u hv her purrfect body: u just look ghood.

yada.. yada.. yada.. u must be thinkin, all that pharagraph on mumha huh? well ur lucky, cuz dats not ALL!
u see, mumha was meant to get merrid -sometime ago. at least they planned to. think both mothers have given on pushing them to get merrid. not for any stupid reasons. but simply, just becuz. if u see mumha and pupha (respectively), u just know they're meant to be togerer. each individual is their own wholesome happy-go-lucky kind, which when they are together: they aim to please each other. and they dun get enuf of each other.

jealouse? dont be. unless uve seen urself deep enuf into dat mirror. at least for me, i find it hard to be jearous for i know myself. me? wholesome? BWAHAHAHAHA.. dun tempt the door to hell crackin open from laughin. i cant even do myself the justice of sleepin hours. on my own, my house is more often a mess than anythin. i tried once being discipline and clean for abt 9 months? -and i felt i was being a tite ass. seriously, no joke! im too all-over-bohemian-artist-wanna-be at the mo'. too far from hvin da guts to be jearous to them!

so i enjoyed myself being the observer while im there. a bit irritating huh? imagine havin a close friend as a guest, after 2 long years apart and all she does was D-O-H. yup, dats me alrite! didnt quite care, either. watchin 'em is more refreshing to my soul than telling them MY stories. how boring is it to hear my stories AGAIN, after i wrote it all over my blog? HAH! so i guess, it didnt matter if i (or they?) miscalculated their wedding date. or i spent half half of my stay between the office and home. got to (literally) see my close friends again. got to feel how they functions. got the feel of building a nu business. got to taste teh tarek and nasi lemak, complete with street fumes and all. got to drive in penang traffick (nuthin compared to jkt). got to sit down and chat with *** in person. got to reunite w my m'sian goddesses during a home-made dinner party. and i bloody damn get jealouse of their freakin office!! HORAY....

so we've covered penang. want me to go on? HELL, stop reading now if u do mind!

stopped by melbourne, a bit.
one bit.
one itsy tiny bitsy bit.
basically, u dun wanna be a tourist in melbourne.
u hv to stay there a little longer, and get the smooth silky jazzy lifestyle to tingle ur sense.
for me, 10 days were too little.
and my sense were not that much tingled until that trip back to the airport.
thats when ud get the, "damn, such a beutifuurr city.. where everything is so rovery.. and im abt to leave this all bhind me" kinda buzz. sucks huh?
the only thing that was undeniably constant was the joy of havin my nephew to wrestle with. yup, he is big enuf to play wrestle and horse back.
everything else was pretty much the emotional up and down of bein trapped in ur own home jus bcuz everyone caught the flu virus. double sucks on dat!

i learnt a little lesson while i was there tho'. the kinda lesson that screams out: IM NOT IN LONDON ANYMO'!! you see, im so used to in living/being alone.. i hv adapted rightfully, dat i actually dun mind or enjoying it (being alone): dat i actually forgato on how to treat others. for instance, my mum? heheh. i was pretty much matured self functioning. i forgot how hard it was for me at first dealin and living with (or by?) myself. it aint a pretty happy happy joy trip back then. and the way i self-functioned.. kinda put my mother through that hell i went. naughty naughty me. in times like this, i can only be joyous dat i hv a family (like mine) to remind me of such delicate matter. dun think friends cud/wud bother as much. or im just too heard headed to listen at times.

i squeezed in an evening w Del, my wonderfull husband no.2.. he was pleasant as usual. is always easy to connect with him. we chatted over dinner. i had scallop salad while he ordered the best steak we've ever tasted. he claimed cuz the company was rite -i said the night was just perfect. we actually moved to this resto, slightly inwards from our usual overly crowded main road cafe. the resto had a big terrace that we occupied one whole side of. it was winter nite, logically everyone wanted to be inside. red wine is the best antidote in situation such as this :D we got to shared some yada.. yada.. yada.. right down to the ginger bread shouffle with ginger ice cream and thick whipped double cream (orgasmic.......!!). he sneaked in to pay the bill, when rain started to drizzle. yea yea, beneath this smokie hard shell, im a romantic moments sucker too. im still ur next door gal who like a gentleman to walk in the rite side of the rd, opens the door for u, (sometimes) spend a little for ur meal, knows how many sugar u take in ur coffee, gave u his jacket when it rains, hold ur hand when there's a puddle in front of u... all in which Adel does. YES LADIES, DEL IS SINGLE: UP FOR GRABS!!! damn i wish im still in da same town with Del, so i got to screen the bitches from the ladies for him. argh.

who else? aw, if u know me.. ud know who! *sigh. my long lost rendevouz-always-tak-jadi boy. or man? haha. i dunno. i know raging hormones?! hahaha. one week lepas i saw him.. as in, TODAY? i says he still looks good *crying like a spoilt aristo'brat. so there was a miscommunication. something that was so easily predicted with the nature of his work. i think, this time I was the one acting foolish. ME! from the way i behaved, I wanted him to place ME higher than his work. which is his passion -his world, his everything >)p. i was in town only for a few days, and whose fault was it that he didnt call me back rite? pfft!! i cud've know why/how he wudnt call back a strange nu number. perhaps ive just had enuf of him, cancling past dates due to his work. i mean, if i cared enuf i wud've bought him his fave cookies as i used to do rite? mumha fiz used to wonder why i bothered so much; back then i said, just becuz. i had nothin to loose. i dunno what have changed so much between now and 3 years ago. i still admire him. and damn he still is sexy. did his eyes still not lightened up when he saw me walked in through that door? instead my mind wondered, if he does that to any hot girl that walked in. and did his hand tried hard to grab mine while he was working? instead i kept my body intact -regardless how my skin was yearning to once again, feel his. did he still not hold me as tight -if not tighter? hell, i had to act cold. did he not still make ME WAIT?! so we can be in the same room longer, while he took care his business? lastly.. did he still not tried to kiss me, as we once passionately did? the boutique was packed, mind you. he had costumers to meet and greet, and he did all that. while i let my messed up head messin arnd with pride and image. *sigh.... there goes my future work sponsorship in melbourne. if he even do get to use my skills, for the business, first in mind: it wud've been because of alternate motives. apart from that, i guess im scared. im afraid that this is the guy i dun mind learning to love/be in love with. attraction? ada... is been 3 years and we were still as attracted to each other. admiration? ditto... i even sent him (my childhood bad habit) little card once, sayin how he inspires me. today, that makes it... what? common passion/parallel goal? SHIT. the only thing that gets in the way is his fear of commitment due to the divorce rate in his family and my fear of breaking mother's heart cuz he is an alien. besides that, wud u mind being serenade at night with a saxophone? perhaps paint a canvas together on your free time? well, i used to bake, so i dun mind being the sucker to learn bake his fave cookies...

PHEW! no regrets, mumha feez told me.
what doesnt kill me, makes me stronger rite?
.............. NEXT!

indon trip!! yippie...
my trip to jkt kinda, well... dominated by my brother's charm and shadowed by daddy's wisdom and virtue. yup, the light shall shine upon my bro these days for an obvious yet hush hush reason. and for my dad, GOSH -i dun need to say much abt my brahmana by now, do i? i mean, father is... *sigh. father is there. father is always there, even when is he there yet not there with u. capish? sometimes in the pooniest time of my life in my poonie dark sided brain, i wonder how wud i cope if he is not there anymo'? i shoo my bad bad thought away, when i heard father told me how he still shares me his wisdom through dreams. dreams that he only gets since im here, away from everyone, in london. yet this last trip, the thought crept back in my poonie head. more like a reminder, how he is not a character u wanna take for granted. back to my bro, so yah... i had such a pleasant pleasant time with him. we shared so little time (comparatively to my whole month of get away trip).. yet every single one was treasurable. most probably because i can almost see, feel, smell, touch and taste the ideal of his present future.. and to share such defining moments with him; i cant help myself but to be proud and give him my full support.


...yada yada yada yada...
ur mad if ur not muttering such sounds in ur head by now. u ought to!
the only reason im writting this is cuz it helps me digest the whatever commotion i just experienced. hence the word EXPERIENCED. must've bored u to death readin this kinda mambo jambo. even for myself, i wud just read/scheme through all the yada..yada..yada.. ive just written here bfore i click "published". and i dun see much point in readin it again until 2 years from now. so, i pity you!!

just to complete ur suffering, i hv 2 mini character to add here:

one is Mr Ada Deh.
thats it.
guess whatever psychotic illusion i had earlier last month was, infact, an illusion.
kinda established within myself on what was so addictive in him.
is not much different that those apphrodiziac i got from mumha le'fiz nor my family.
is the rightly erected system in living ones life;
is the dream/ideal/passion whatchamacallit..;
is the drive/slef-motivated/ambition to work and achieve it;
and just, simply strive!

comes to think abt it, success is not THAT impossible. rite?
is highly depending on how u place/see/feel your goal, ainnit?
and ones goal can never be too far from reaching happiness..
i mean, my other character here is Mr China Siao Ah'Beng (the eX factor)
i guess, he is (supposedly) happy:
he got a 'farking boring job' (as he described it) that pays the loan of an M3,
he also got a nu grasshopper-look-alike motorcycle to replace the one he WROTE OFF..
ah ya, he picked up a nu hobby in mounteneering cycling!
tat..taraa!! as they say, boys and toys rite?
the only thing that's missing from his "happy" list is a girl with big boobie.
consequently, this is the part where i ejected myself from his circa. ;)p
hang on, i ejected myself successfully, years ago. he didnt have all them toys then. i remembered now, how i disapproved of him getting crazy ass shit motor bike. knowing his nature? hayaa... cialat sial!
i ejected myself as soon as i learnt the difference between a boy vs a man :)
last time i saw him was july 2003. he actually ditched the gf (after she bisik2 to him during a previous dinner on how fat i am -biatch) for the night, to hv the last coffee with mumha, del, bvuh and i. he didnt take me to the airport for my midnite flight. he was acting the sensible bf. i didnt want him to either. just like he recalled 2 days ago, how i didnt want him to meet my other bro. haha! shit, we didnt get to explore much out of each other back then. we never get arnd to let the opportunity arose.

guess now, all he is missing is a girl with big boobs who'd wait till almost midnight, for him to get back from work and hv dinner togerer which she prepared 8 hours bfore hand.

well... sum of us gotta be on our own, to fully understands what life has to offer!

thats it for now guys..
get your eye drops and start pumpin some liquid in ur dehydrated eyes, wud u?!


THE END


ps: git wud like to thank the academy of life,
those character above whom made this article possible,
and the london summer '05 crew whose had helped me to paint this town red ;)
thank you......................