'we' | forever chicken & egg situation

in the relativity of 'we'..
we, have gone closer:

i've lost weight | he gained weight

he'd eat | and id watch.. then eat with him

or id eat | and he'd watch me eat (only)

i am more relaxed | he is much more opened up

i am a tad bit more reserved about my heart
and he'd tell me i need to eat more..

or to stop smoking
or to be more delicate on what i says
and to be more delicate on how i sees things
in the case of giving up of telling me to stop smoking,
he questions when i do drag those nicotine..

i am more weary.
he opens the discussion of timeline;
..what lays after june
..marriage (not, with each other)
..what time i got home

in the relativity of 'we'
we, have gone closer for number of reasons:
we.. dont quite have anyone else to share with.
'we' are not necesarily bound by love
-mm, perhaps understanding. but love??
yet he, has abundance reasons to have left london by now
thus here we are..

i awoke at 02.00: 02.30: 0300: 0500: 06.30 and finally 0700am today
is been a long five days sleep for my behalf..
from a much needed rest, it later turned into a drag
i woken up feeling a gooey disgust sensation of a non existence over salivated chewing gum,
of "too many men after taste" flavor in my mouth. yuck.

but he wudnt know.
cuz when i do see him,
when our eyes intertwined..
and to see/know that our heart smiles and embraces each other
it makes all the suffering waits (and meaningless adulteries in between) worth the while.

so i try to smoke less and ran home
inspired to nest and live that rightful life:
clean new sheets, healthy home cook meals, clear my debts, make new exciting plans, do plenty of aspiring works..
i didnt even glare at men on my way -that turned out to be sucks,
for it was my nature, to exchange glare and smiles with strangers -men, women and children.
yet i kept on running..

until i realizes,
all these warm fuzzy securing and strengthening aura;
(havent it been that) 'we' may just be a loss cause after all

...



thus, loving him all these years has indeed made me a better person. noted, acknowledged, appreciated and shivered by many

so question:
had i not be delicate enough all these while, by not to have scream:

"I LOVE YOU! WHICH PART OF IT DONT YOU UNDERSTANDS ?!?"

however more, ironically.. in his silences he does *eugh