london, january 29, 2006 (18.48)

to my dearest (beloved) friend, desi

im sorry i cudnt cry this morning. i was hiding, behind my exam dates. i've had a pre-exam break up before, and damn did i crumble. so i thought, any tears will not just ruined my beautifully done morning mascara.. but also myself. yoyo was so kind to walked me to my train back. he asked me how i feel. and i said i dunno.

i took all the journey to dalston. to see ucup packed -yes, he was still finishing off. i became fidgetty. part of me wanted to help him pack faster, that much faster.. so i dont have to be in the same room, where all the goodbyes procession are rolling, for any longer than what i can bare. the other part of me was jumping around, up and down the stairs, laughing. cudnt help it.

the pressence of others helped me, to get by time. fitria was cooking balado (after all my sweat from walking and carrying kfcS, yes?!); ningsih gave me shelter in acting stupid; pit was, rather charming (body) yet still passive; and nu boy hari -fitria's bro, gave a fresh nu face to a possible friendship. sofyan later came, as always, gave that calming effect to those around him. so i found those hours ok.. jumping around, up and down the stairs, we looked at pictures, took pictures, laughing. oh what a blessing.

i hugged ucup.. quite a fair bit. well, a lot. no i didnt crossed my leg over him, as i wud with the girls -gawd help me, no. i just hugged him, whenever i cud. the circumstances hit me slowly there. i wudnt know yoyo if it wast from ucup, never heard of elvir or may not feel as carefree in elia. well, the ucup that we know of, the party-pooper/crazy-maker/hyper-sensitive-nu-age-guy/rockstar-wannabe-adored-by-underage-materialistic-teenage-chicks/yet so lovely and tender to us. but as usual, i cudnt express myself well. i hope i didnt get to push him simultaneously in any of those hugs..

took the 38 bus home. from angel, ya ya, ucup wudnt let the mini cab to drop me off home while ningsih tried to compensate by promising me that they'll drop me off anywhere closer to my destination: turned out to be angel. hahaha! she was so apologizing, while i was only laughing to all the cathastrophies that cud happened from having friends. amazing isnt it? at least now i have things to tell and share with you.. instead of my silences from living alone :)

my mind wondered off again in the bus. i was thinking of us, what we had, what may comes in the future. will we still find homage in each other then, or will jakarta change us from the whom we have gotten to know of? of course we will adapt to a certain ways and expectations. you will dress and act differently -ah ya, i may still be the same, that makes me odd wudnt it? haha. but i certainly hope, we cud just keep that window of openess towards one another. even just a tiny bit; buffered with tolerance to accept the different indivudualities. hadnt that been the greatest gift we've shared? we've gone pass through tolerance onto acceptance. we have all been adults, in liking and disliking each other.. in the process we filled it with activities and laughter, until eventually we get to accept whatever we likes and dislikes of others. that quality, is what have made us. no one has been more or less, is only a matter of time -before this kind of friendship brings the best out of us. i felt like crying then. cry for the beutiful us.

mira has called twice today, asking how am i coping. i told her im (still) fine. i told her it will get to that and promise to make that s.o.s call. but i still dunno how to cry. how can i cry out of all the laughter we've had? all the singing/dancing/bitching/drinking/licking/hugging/kissing/holding hands? argh.. my head is spinning from being torn between feelings. yes, i feel darl'.. i feel too much, i hardly say and do the right thing at the right time.

finally, i then had that dinner for one at fancy hai ha. i tried to digest my thoughts and feelings at the same time. it helped me to reduce my appetite.. haha! so i texted ucup. i texted him while i cud. i said i love him/us. i said to forget us not. i said to not stop blogging his nonesensities. i said cupucupucup. i mixed all the things i thought i shud've said to you. but i did not. cuz il haunt you if you forget me. muahahahahaha *evil laughter. (so much about being posessive ey?).

no lah, because it is you.. the beautiful you. you've given me so much love and joy.. what is there to ask more of you. i just want to send you wishes, prayers and thoughts.. for what the future may holds. cliche? well.. ya, comes to think of it, i do have a request for you: keep that inner child in you shines, dearest. it is your outmost charm. it sparks your eyes. it wiggles your beautiful long hair more. it increases your huggability. and even better, it keeps you true to yourself. however smooth/rocky the future may be, you will be safe and sound in it. furthermore, children gather and play in a playground regardless gender, age and race...so keep your inner child alive; and we will never be too far from each other. because hunn, yes, i love you that much. so if you happen to meet a guy version of you, mail him to my address please :)

..mm.. dont u wish you have no make up on by now? i know i do. i wish to give you another hug.. hold your hand while you're reading this -my.. my stupid 'pelampiasan' blog of better late than never unspoken truth. but HEY! MARK YOUR PLANNER: in purple/pink/turquoiz or whateva... cuz il see you in 9 weeks rite? :)) til then, i have the now to attend to... i promise, not to fail the friendship. i promise, i too, shall be a better self from knowing you -all of you. thank you.. thank you.. than you.. *bowing to a standing ovation. kekekekekeke.

love, kisses, hugs, licks:

your wifey, sari

(20.28)

ps: pit was playin arnd w my camera by the end of the eve. hence, i do not take picture of myself?! ..erm, do u think he wud've noticed the colongan pic i took of his body from the images bank? ...... muahahahahahahaha *mampus!

(22.37)