november full moon

went around sheperdsbush with my colleagues today.
fabric expedition. gain some loose some.
tried to burn some excitement in others (or me, im not sure)
until i found it exhausting;
-when everybody is overwhelmed with their own self-dissapointments.
. . .
we splited around 5. planned to go home, get some sketches done.
the thought of massi' suffocated me.
jumped off at oxford circus, called wifey;
'lets meet up. anything. everything.'
someone, help me
. . .
decided to meet up half way: chinatown -cut through soho,
i must have sprinted my way there.
for a massive dinner i was not remotely felt hunger of,
or dinner for one that i have been skipping these days..
my thoughts were the furthest from my stomach throughout the meal,
i wasnt thinking about her as much either,
i can only hope, she help me breathe
. . .
she told me stories, she made me laugh, she made me realise
the other realism outside marangoni.
my mind did not gathered until my body admits to the stress,
left lung muscles spasmed as we left the restaurant.
upper body movement restricted
-not as much as the half breathing i can only afford.
. . .
she helped me around to one of the park bench,
she told me stories, she made me laugh (in agony), she made me
try not to think of my freezing ass. winter is in london.
my spasm has gone worse, i was afraid to go home,
did not want to have an attack when i am alone. god no.
wifey: how does it feel? did this ever happened to you before?
me: im half breathing. yes it did -last time was 3 years ago, except it was the muscles of my heart -while i was driving.
. . .
as soon as i can walk again, we moved to a cafe.
she cattered me to heated indoor hot drink, while i sat.
i must have been pale by then, another customer was worried.
i said i was fine -im being looked after by a wonderful woman.
she came by soon with two cups of smooth caramel-latte.
wifey: u ok with coffee?
me: *sipping the warmth (pause) err.. yeah.
. . .
so we talked about a dream, she was animating while i drew.
we had a good dream onto paper..
and i drew an illusionary-mannerist smile on her face:
it was the highlight of my day, to see her smile like so..
have you not been the goddess that you are,
not only to me, yet to others too.. you are my comfort goddess.
. . .
we made our move at around nine. my spasm has mellowed by then.
she has taken me away from my worries, if not realises
how i am so comfortable doing what i do..
how i am (finally) in my path of being
-and feeling low at letter 'b' doesnt help me in contructing the word 'be'-ing
how i want to go home and start do-ing things
-so i can make that dream of ours to come true
. . .
we took longer walk to the next tube station hand in arm.
the sky is clear with the slightest winter fog right across the atmosphere,
the moon is full accompanied by one VVSI brilliant cut diamond star.
of all the stars in the galaxy, only one made it tonight.
me: so this is it ya. the stronger i would (eventually) be, sometimes im scared to imagine ho hard it wud've been to find that compatible partner for life.
wifey: but there will be (eventually) that someone special for each of us..
. . .
we split at tottenham underground junction.
she is heading to north, i made my way to east;
through the mosaic tiled aisles, i let the busker's guitar string guide me
-back and forth the thoughts of next sleepless lonely night
. . .
bethnal green station exit. random thoughts:
i wished the bus wudnt ever come
i wished i have forgotten my keys
i wished the walls in my studio need not to scream of responsibilities
i wished the time just STOP
and i just dont have to around/near anything and everything anymore
until i sorted my head out
-anything away from my self-dissapointment thats getting closer to failure each day
. . .
instead the bus came in no time. i sat in my thoughts.
jumped off it at my stop. walked home with a set of keys in hand.
whom am i kidding? this is me, foot-hand-and-mind
i dont want to run away. tho' i DO want to run away from massi
-and for everything else that i do not feel i gain/learn from that institution.
BUT this is me.
. . .
i continued my walk home enjoying the company
of every hot air fully breathed out of my nostrils.
i looked up to london's cold air misty sky:

is full moon -and only one star made it tonight.