saturday morning. still chillin' in the out of bed mind-set. trying not to think of anything, yet sink deeper into the self-thoughts. this is bound to be my 500'th posting. since gawd knows when.. the day a friend introduced blogging to my life. thank you. it has been an escapism indeed. escapism to blabber anything and nothingness.

i wrote a caption last nite on a newly uploaded photo album online. it began with, "a lot has change.." i woke up today realising what every letter of that sentence means. a lot did has change. for better or worse, things in life just bound to change.. we, humans, can only try so much to make things work -for a better day.

i've changed. i felt the changing role of me in my community, im feeling it now.. and hope to still have the sensitivity to feel it later. im also feeling the changes in me. if i used to freaked out on changes, now im learning to bow down and takes it as it comes. thats all we cud do, pit says, humans can only try.. the rest is for us to accept.

im feeling more alive. im feeling more like myself. im beginning to finally liking this skin im in. every fachets and phases that life has put me through. almost as if an addiction, to live and learn and just, grow..

i just called my wifey. im taking the weekly regime of staying in touch. something ive been so bad at: keeping in touch. wifey is special, like my other close friends. the difference is, through her, im learning to better myself. and hearing her voice at the other end of the phone is a reward on its own. ah ya, we've changed too. we feed each other thoughts in idealism while taking no prisoner. conscious/sub-consciously, we are matured enough to measure what is good and what is not. what is acceptable and adaptable or what we'd rather leave behind willingly. we built our common ground together, and found the gateway to a better life through our interactions. some call it chemistry, perhaps now i call it maturity. this too, is addictive. just as much i am addicted to my other close friends, but is only easier to start with wifey.. since she was recently the closest to me; and yes, my other friends happens to be spread all over the globe. (mahal nek!). this kind of addiction has spread, not only to wifey and i. somewhat its beauty has touched others... and what a fantastic group of friends i have now. i love you, dewi.

love ey? ah love. ive changed too in the love department. i think. perhaps. i feel, hopefully. i have found the strength to get my head out of the 4 years mud of falling for the same person who'd broke my heart. pol, well... he is a different matter. the fact that he was so close at heart, but never really been close: ive beginning to accept it as a lesson to live outside the box. my box. my beautiful warm cozy studio-box. i learnt a lot through pol. i owe him some gratitude. thus not enough to dig my way back into his life. we had our chance, we did our best. we were too young, naive, selfish yet we dreamt too big. that is that. but in terms of posessivity? ah i dunno. i dunno if i were ever being posessive in my interactions with man. sadly i do realises my paradox tendencies: "banyak rawan, kurang aman" in my words and actions. i am impulsive, yes. so people tend to miss-understood me. and thats ok too. ive learnt we cant convince everybody on the subjects of our thoughts, and i do tend to think too much -guilty as charge. ive learnt that the harder we try to convince other about ourselves; the harder it also gets for us to accept, learn and grow from our mistakes. while im not living a life to be right, im living my life to learn. so im really ok with that. sometimes u do have to make that justifications to others, but il leave it as a subject only when im being asked for. it only shows sincerity from the listerner, and i have nothing to hide on that terms. so ive learnt love as a part of life. even in my single days that has lasts me 4 years now? i am more content than ever. everything else cud wait, it will come. in its own time. i only have what i have now: my wonderfully gracefull family, my amazing sets of friends, my studies that has becoming the reflection of my inner fluctuations... ah, what a blessing. career, husband and family cud wait.. it will come..

i havent always been like this tho. im writting this down only to help me digest whatever changes life has blown to my direction. the prediction of a 'busy' 2006, seemed has taken its toll so early in the year. there's the wedding preparation, the baby on its way, the exams, the boy. ah ya, everything else seemed happened within my first core of union, my family, except for the boy. or man? or boy? i hadnt had the privillage to get to know him that well. but i do know now, he is the type to wishpers 1 ayat qur'an in your ears by the end of bed time stories. he drenched my soul, wet. he holds the persona of being the closest-student-life-to-contentment. in one of our conversations he mentioned about his age, his goals and the how.. all was said in a manner of acceptance. not that subconscious social-doctrined-fear based. he just accepts himself and his limits, working towards a dream. call me melancholic, but he has a traits to drool, envy and be jealouse of. so i drooled. i drool to be able to accept myself. i drool to discover him more, so i can drool even more. i drool to be surprised everytime and not have raised expectations. ive been drooling, and all its worth has lifted me up to cloud nine.. back to earth.. and still drooling.

i cancled my plan to travel this weekend. i got my period early. who gets their period early? pfft. but i took the opportunity to collect myself. i need this time alone. i read somewhere, we are all lonely. even kahlil gibran says, loneliness is the next best companion. so im accepting my loneliness too. i do most of the time, wud rather be alone in my own dreamy land, living my pure idealistic world. i do this most in school. haha! im accepting my loneliness, in the understanding not taking anyone prisoner. where everyone can be themselves, yet we're all united in the intangible string of love and understanding; where we can just freely give.. and whatever comes in return, can be accepted in gratitude. in my loneliness, i miss being alone. i need to recollect myself, so i cud get back on my feet and give... there's so much in life to give and accept

thank you life.

zoen,
your pupil.

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