what a cold winter in london tis been. is the coldest i have ever had. even colder, than the day i was trapped walking in hail (hujan es), in my slippers back in 2003. have i been here that long?

first we had the northpole wind, now we're getting the russian cold winter air. it is that cold. i dont know how the swedish does it -well, they fuck a lot more, tho. i pity russian catwalk models.

tis been so cold, your body muscles contract so to retain body heat. well, my back is in flame from the contractions. and i still feels cold.

worse, the heather in school is not paying its duty. even when it works, your hidden trasure spots sweats.. like your toes and armpits, but is still is too cold to take your jumper off.

i sit on the upper deck in the bus lately. hence, hot air rises up. and they tend to have less ventilation upstairs. means, you get more essence out of smelly hackney travellers every morning. but it is warmer there, and i breathe my own stinky scarf. you hardly get any view, cuz the window just fogs up. i stop bothering to wipe those windows, cuz i dunno when was the last time they cleaned such public property... and bottom line, those fog of moist are cold. never mind the windows, some days you walk out of your door wondering if you left your eyes on your bed due to the mist. is the cold mist air.

tried to make plans to do, after the exam. the discussion did venture to hiring a car to get away from london town.. and perhaps go to some lake and sail. remembering the weather condition, we rest the discussion to 3 options: get drunk (get heat), go for dinner (staying indoor) or go for a nice play (staing indoor). actually, the three things that normal people might normally do on a normal weekend. suddenly we were lost between getting bored (from the thought of being normal) and exhausted (from the whole commotion juggling between post exam AND being normal). daddy, why the tropics so far away?

so i escaped with my ipod to a compilation file i recorded from my bro during our trip to south africa. ...................................then i recall the extreeme heat, the extreeme rain falls, the extreeme heat; heat; heat and mind you, the heat. then i recall how slow people functions due to the extreeme heat. but heumn, i wudnt want that kind of intense heat on my crown. compare that to the british, where everybody rushes from point A to B just so they can sit their ass longer for another pint of beer at the end of the day.

soon i realises how far fetch am i from the italians in my class. their flamboyance/fleur for fashion/what i later observed; how some of them being gay for other psychological reasons. perhaps there's a lil bit of me that envies their promiscuosity. or their superfluous money to buy fur coats. or their extra energy to go out, get drunk, dance till morning and still do their work. i mean, wudnt those three gives me more heat? but instead i stays boring. any spare time left is what i get to rest myself by paying off my sleep deficiencies, or go to a fancy restaurant to wash off the daily cold sadwiches down, perhaps make a date with myself to see the movies i hadnt had the chance to go for.. if not, just staying indoor stacked up with dvd's. any other time i spend outside with friends. ah ya, that makes me boring, selfish and cold... by choice. but is the kind of warmth i dont want any to replace. not through hang overs, one night stands nor killing animals just to feel good about myself. im desperate for heat but not THAT way. im good with warm.

so im both scared and excited at the same time, about a phone call to be, tonight. my mind wondered off, to any possibilities in the future of that first phone call. imagening, a weekend where id rather the phone not to ring. the weekend where he shud be with friends, and i shud be alone. the imagination turned into a conversation of 'why?'. and my answer varies from, 'cuz to night i wanna call my mother', to 'i think is best for you to s-t-a-y (in practical terms) with your friends', to 'cuz is the weekend, and i dun need you to save me tonight'. and answer that shocked myself; i need more rescueing from myself, more than anything else -some ot give me reasons when im being unreasonable.. a thing that has becoming a habit to me. no wonder im scared. im scared to be rescued, if it means for somebody else to be so involve in my life and see how bad i need rescueing. bad? cant be that bad rite? i mean, i manages to live alone and doing ok rite? perhaps im more scared to be stripped off from my independence. or even more scared to open that window of vulnerabilities -so i can be more accessible to that other person. or worst, even when i do eventually open that window.. and he feels other way? for instance, still being highly infatuated by you, my dear friend.

ooh la la... what am i getting myself into here? well, i cant partly blame it on you, by questioning why did u had to go back rite? to stretch the ego, i was doing ok having you close -it is now, after u've left did i start looking for another. no, that doesnt make me a lesbian. is only because ur special and we connect in that some special way. the specific special way id rather keep only with another special person. that is all. that is why i am so anxious for this late night call. that is why this whole paragraph is going around and around in a circle: merely that whole stomach crunching mixed feelings of human instinct in searching for wamrth.. to care and be cared for, simple. gender doesnt seem to play importance at this stage, just enuf heat to get by the day will be sufficient. this, makes me normal yes?! (horaaayy!!)

enuf of today's ventilating: in reality, i have my self appointed pattern deadline to meet.
and yes, the hell with the italians.. im pretty excited to pursue the night.

ciao ragazza!!

ps (mental note):
buy phone cards in d weekend. be a gd sister to care more, especially during a pre-wed stressfull time.

pps: funny what i found from my y! astrological reading, after all that i wrote above:
Nothing much is happening today, yet you seem worried and tense. You will have to use this day to your advantage. You will think about your life. But you will also think about the needs of your relatives for the years to come and the ways to attain those goals. You will also be in the best position, dear Cancer, to think about your actual family life.