G I Jane

at 27:
here goes another cross roads
i wonder how all still feels like
life changing decisions
where everything is at stake
even all and all from the past
..like my abstract childhood

been ill since friday.
staying in bed since saturday.
today got sent back to bed by my PT:
my body was half ready to work out
psychologically, i need the work out
mentally, i lost track
...

G I Jane was on tv.

i remember drooling
when i first watched it.
i drooled for her physics and psyche
i admire the courage and determination
and how it shows in her every shape.

is metaphysical, i got it in the genes
that life is about a struggle..
my parents struggle at some point
in their life; thats why they are the perfect match
when they found each other,
they struggle for a better future for their children.
i was meant to have that better life..

i tend to fucks it up
some phases i tend to be so greedy about
milking all the goodness there is to it
some phases i loathe myself
from all its worth..
either way, i fucks it up

at 27, i thought ill be sitting pretty
being comfortable already with all
these re'occurring of "fucks up" pattern
but i am not quite there yet.
my own mother wont pick up my phone on my birthday
my father had to congratulates me it cuz it is: politically correct

so i did something wrong
something really wrong according to her

for i have made her anger
without knowing how to be angry with me

for saying,
"you gotta have the faith in love,
that everyone around you loves you
in their own way,
just probably not your way.
and that this faith will and can
bring you closer together
rather than separates us"

all the smart-ass words
i need to enchants it back to myself
since i am definately starts loosing my faith,
haunted by the thought of loosing her,
since i have not been
loving her the way she needs me to.

27 odd years later,
i am still incapable of being me:
let alone to love, mother.

but this is not about self pity.

neither am i ready to accepts
that this may be my ultimate long life struggle.

cuz i am lonely too here :)
i miss loving someone
i miss being loved
i miss the heartache in finding a solution
i miss all of that the way i do things
-if, i can figure out what it is

i dream of a harmonious family
-just like how my family is pursuing their ideal
i dream of holding my own baby in my arm
-yes, the impact of being 27
i dream of watching my children grow
-and doodling with them

yes, this still is not about self pity.
i told you, i am a spoilt greedy little ass.
i want THAT all for a future,
cuz i can never turn back the past.

i cant make my mother's childhood a better one,
and i think father is learning to accepts to understands
that his little daughter is about to chase her own path.

which, obviously..
at 27, i still dunno know yet, 'what'
but it will come to me, in its own time. rite?
isnt this part of keeping the faith?

i am sick of feeling ill
i err.. i am to be up and running

funny enough i had this convo with a man
'thank for being there lately. i know i can be difficult when im ill'
".. i like you better when you are ill. you know, on your usual day self.. you're active. and now you're more, humane"
mix messages:
my first reaction hearing this was -aaw, have i really found someone to take my minus as a plus?
my later reaction however is -but im not quite myself like this. if he preffers me this way: doesnt this makes some imbalance in our compatibility chart?
and when i asked the initiation of his good gestures, like where he approximately place me in his ever-variance-admirable-women-chart, in comparible to our mutual lady friend, he just pointed out our obvious differences. yes, no answer there.
instead he then proclaimed, he doesnt sees my international ways of life will find homage in other indonesian man. still, no answer.. only the scent of fear acid.
and today, he must say that he is having some mild 'headache' and slipped his tounge: wondering if i ever waxed my bikini line. il make sure he'd remember that he'd get nothing out of me.

so: one candidate down.
i aint getting no love from there. zilt.

...


im still in hot flushes
i need to get back in bed.
tomorrow: il live.

ciao ragazza!