dont blame the artist

this creative buzz
is hurting me

feels like going out
get in touch with the world:
be normal, social, civilized..

but not really

stayin within these walls, building up adrenaline
towards that trance door:
where there's no point of return

but lonely

ive been lonely for sometime without realizing.
in the beginning it was nice, the companion of aloneness
at the moment it is squeezing my brain neurons..

feels like screaming

beware: i am changing skins
into that.. that idealist/conceptual freak :
to the depth that scares most faces i've met all through my life
creativity can/is? .. a very selfish world indeed
(bless those who stands by me and be a friend)

[dont blame the artist!!]

this is the reality of my life,
this is how/what i breathe..
this is how i draw my line:

0.5 pencil | 0.2, 0.3, 0.5, 0.8 fine liners | wacom pen | pantone | pattern master | elastic strips | pins | wonky stitches


good bye reality,
let Allah be the judge on
damn! how i try to stay sane..

but the eyes dont lie | the hand wont stop sweating | the heart doesnt pound any slower | the brain is never relaxed


... here i am, back as a hermit

much love to those who has been of any form of support to get me where i am.
my heart is with you, even if my attitude bound to stinks from time to time. always :)

wassalam'ualaikum.

xx


[20.20] despite my loneliness, life has been good to me :)

"You are gracious, elegant and prudent. People admire your qualities and some even become jealous of you. You are realistic, flexible and adaptable. You are remarkably kind and moral person. Your Love, You are willing to sacrifice yourself for the one you love. Your lover will always have your gentleness, care and loyalty. You will always be happy to hand around the one you love. [fr Razi : abt july 11 1980 :)]"

one of life's random sweet surprises..
posted by a close friend from Bandung.
lil bits of gifts that put a smile onto one's heart

o ya, got a reminder from 2 (one woman, one man) of my closest confidantes
-the beholder of my vulnerable chapters in life from back home ...mm..

"(cut all strings) lets not de-valuate your worth, only because impulsive desires out of loneliness"
eecck. deep uh?! a much needed slap, sadly but true.

'but.. but... but he is spoiling me. must i?'

she: "well, you are worth to be spoilt dear"

kekekekekekeke.... :)) so there goes. i suppose..
a proposal to end my long winded love story of two years?
for at least i have learnt something great out of it. something called "selfless"
now, the fact that i have understands my own capability and limitations in being selfless
(started from him, then it kinda -well, took its own natural paths to how i live my life in general)
.. i err, can put my Self (ego) up one knotch? reclaim my wants and needs, and ambitions.
something that apparently was missing in the past heumn, 6 months?

o well: another discussion is bound to happened between him and i. again.. aack!
is not like i dont know what the result is going to be. nor am i expecting anything.
what ever happens, happens... all in its own time (isn't it? :) -tx Hamzah for being one, a reminder)

a big jug of coffee... git is bound to stay up till sunday.
magic is being made @ 21 Magnolia Lodge.

inch'Allah (as the french says it. haha)

take care peeps. stay safe. stay warm. stay gorgeous! :))

xx