3 days

this time is has taken me 3 days to recuperate.
the endless sleep is more childish than constructive.
so much yet to do, but seems like when the eyes are shut
-is when it is most peaceful. it has been done, with greed.

so my eyes were half awake when the phone rang. the voice of whom ive missed so much is on the other end. my mother was in not a better mood than i -missing but cant be bothered. thus i forced myself to yap. she cuts the phone short. good one. i dont even feel like hearing myself. not today. especially by a mother's sharp instinctive ears. those that listens to her children's unspoken words.

she wonders about him, his presence in my life. i sensed shock, uneasiness and slight disagreement in her voice. the best wake up call.

yet my sleep continues until that second call by him. and i said what i said. i said what is in need, without thinking. and he complies, not without some shock on his behalf. but all the words were spilled. i dont mean to hurt anyone. but i cant lie/pretend too much more to myself -nor to my mother. the sooner i distinguished myself here to my usual self, the faster he would see the real me. when all what has been seen and done together feels more like a simulation of marriage, something that i am not. forgive me.

lets hope there's a greater mean behind all this sadness.

..