moment of..

in moment of "despair".. mm, or what may seems like! hehe - its good to write it down, sleep on it, perhaps ud find the courage to read back ur pain and longing. by then, hopefully ud agree and settle w urself to see things from a different angle. a better angle, in finding a more acceptable solution. or not. your call. so there there.. my dearest Self: look at yourself.

suffocating as it is, i re-read my recent curhat email to a close friend. c'est la vie, these things seems to come when the flowers are bloom trying to reach up up into the sky. he is unsure. he says he is weak in my physical presence. he lost control. it took him seven days to recuperate to his old self. yet still leaving traces of uncertainty lingers in the midst of air. the same uncertainty i very much entitled to for my own differ/bigger reasons, yet ive chosen to compromise for the good of us. ive been that flower and he is being the heavy rain weighing me down..

but my email did not sketch any new lines. every doubts encrypted were meant to be there since the beginning. been put away, left to dust -in the attempt to move forward. is only time to knocked on my cupboard door to remind how the past is also the present. and there i was, screaming my vulnerability out loud. what for? now i wonder..

he is not ready for love. and my history presents itself to be too frail to nurture..

so here is my frustation: to know i have a lot more.. to give love a chance.. for myself, others (him) and life. yet to understands my current limitation: that what i know, is not suffice for now. hmmmmmmm ^^

i wonder how long it will take me to accept this fact.. before i can pick up that old boots and starts to walk how i like to walk: straight and tall, proud yet humbly glides to life's love rhythm. mind you, temptations to meaningless affairs are high.. with high stress level whereby time pressure is on.. and big changes lurking just by the next street corner. i did say, id be moving to paris for myself.. -it damn certainly feels that way now. no more cheats!! heheh.

he wants to be a stronger self. i am bound to start off very vulnerably in my new life..

we, supposedly have a lot to offer and support for one another. however i dont see.. i dont see.. "as lovers" being on the menu. i feel he will gained more from my friendship. while i, hmmm, i shud just continue relying more on life to give me, life. i suppose my life has been a blessing to able to see life, as a blessing. something i often forgot, hehe. with the very few friendship i've gained are at its finest.. liberating each Self to march on in life. perhaps something of a handicap in his history. aargh! yes, here goes an old tune.. my blessings turns out to be my handicap in my relationship w other. eugh.

but of course feelings and ego then gets in the way. how much do i give and how much is too much? where it'd just be easier to commit in learning to give each other their best. and THE ultimate question perhaps wud be why all the questions now: had it not been good -healthy and supportive; so much so far? why judge "us" now?

i am just a lil wild flower trying to bloom.. reaching up up this sky above the ground.
never want to have to ask more than life is ready to give me.. tho a lil nurture will get me/things far.


* * *

aaawh, crap! id just bound to add my first smart ass lil punch line in being 28:

no one asks to be born..
senses and judgement are limited to illusion
reality is time (some denominator linkin human to Allah)
love is about bringing out the better self of each other..
relationship is the commitment to constantly learn in giving each other their best -witness by others
marriage is paper work, with the commitment witness and guided by religious teachings
death is certain; which makes
life is short..
while after life is.. well il write about after life when ive been there!

simple really.. or not: is up to you.

subhannallah..