shakin'

i hear, distance noise

my head spinning

my vision is out of focus

but what's new, it has been like so for

such a short yet of too long of a time.

i heard, distance noise
of some beat and electronic chimes of distortion..
they call it music. meant to be MY music
"im thinking too much about you.." -as the voice chants repeatedly.

this was the day i dreamt of 5 years ago

i vowed to know not of love

i numbed my senses

i worked long hours

in my very few sleep -i dream on how to better myself

i woke up, collapsed and felt nothing, wash myself and back to work

i got into a long distance relationship -yet my work still comes first

i was a walking zombie full of fire..

i had goals and ambitions
filled with distant whispers of hope and mentally degrading of mix appreciations

until my heart says something else. it literally burns. my chest was burning for solid 20 minutes gasping for air.

and i had to let go a little. like 7 months.
- mentally degrading medications and inconsistent blood test results every week
- to finally get my operation done
- and some few months to accustom myself of my new heart beats
before more work..

this time work is filled w question mark -was all that worthed? is my body strong enough? where is limit?

i missed adrenaline.

i get by. but needing new structure..

i hit the gym 3x a week to gain back my confidence, and put priority at its place: health.

i later opted to martial arts and return back to Islam..

i found a new spring in life -it creates its own bubble: family by religion, guarded seal in silat..

somewhat not parallel to fashion life.

i was still finding my new balance, work was so-so

until one fuse blew..