no shit week

how do you tell a man
that his son is a roller?

how wud you carry yourself
if that man is your father?

is this time to be responsible?
and try to help/ carry half of the weight?

or time to put up that mental filtration
from the people you love the most?

cant timing be of more grand?
do Allah really trust (me) us to carry this now?


DIDNT FATHER TOLD ME IS NOT TIME TO THINK?!


..
vina just left for good.
cant help but to spend the 5 days notice in anger

am: "look, am still angry at you.
i can deal with goodbyes. but not this way.not in 5 days. you hear me?
you're my best friend: i love you. id rather have a proper goodbye. not like this"

vn: "but i dun want the hardship. i tot this wud be simpler"

am: "what hardship? we had 1.5 months long string of goodbye for dini.
we, took that farewell Thames strip route in laughter and tears together. it was never hard"

vn: "yeh, true"

am: "never do this again. promise me? not to anyone! esp not to me, cuz ur like my sister"

vn: *nod
heathrow airport, monday 21 april 9pm

**

rc: "she is not coming back..."

am: "ppfft! she needs to get her heart straight that girl"

rc: "but whats the chance for her to get a job here?"

am: "did she try hard enuf in the beginning?"

rc: "am sure she did"

am: "ya? am sure so too. question is: is it hard enuf? we discover there were contacts and such that she hadnt explore just few days ago. thats where am angry about. is not fair. not fair to her -we know she herself dun wanna go back. not fair to her surroundings -to make these "embassy helpers" ran around making sure all is set for her to go in short notice. not fair to her mum -bless her, she is such a strong character. not fair to you -you are exploring and learning about love, with her.. like you've (obviously) never been hurt before.. so am like: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN?!"

rc: "in a way i feel sorry for her"

am: "yeh? well yes. tho i dun like to hv to feel sorry for anyone -not w my close friends. for all mankind being equal.
everyone and anyone with their own agenda : fine. but we're together, we help each other. in case like this, something gone wrong. and it reflects back to, what have i done wrong? have i not been supportive enough of her? did i miss the chance to be stronger on her : when i was supposed to be the big sister, where was i? was i being the little sister or just pure happy friend?"

rc: "yeah.. i cud've been stronger on her also. but i dun.."

am: "understand rax. u, ur still gettin to know her. ur still discovering her and her limits. i shud've known her better. but i slipped"

....

am: "id say we give her time. by 2 months she should know where her heart is"

rc: "u think she can come back?"

am: "what can't one do when one set their mind into it?"

rc: "ur an idealist git. am a realist. i once was an idealist, then i become a realist. so u dont get hurt as much, alhamdulillah"

am: "yes well.. i need to learn that from u. hehe. she is a realist too. but of a smaller scale (fukin 5 days notice). is your role to give/inject her w the bigger picture. how's that? il keep provoking the idealist side.. you do your part: and we bring her back! haha"

rc: "hhh. 2 months?"

am: "yea. job process takes longer in indo: at least 6 months to go through all interviews. kekekkee"

rc: "but she is confident she can get a job back home w.."

am: "contacts?"

rc: "yeh, her contacts and all"

am: "mm... contacts are good. but really, she is freaking out to the idea of living in indo."

rc: "yea... thats what i dont want for her. to settle somewhere where she is not happy"

am: "being trapped"

rc: "yes. trapped! i just want her to be happy"

am: "yes of course. and i dunno... is a different life back home, and i dont think/imagine is her. i dont see how it is healthy for her sake"

rc: "is that normal in indo? that ur parents supply everything for u?"

am: "culturally? yes. but is differ in each families. my family appraises independent. for instance: my mum will fry my ass with a 5 days notice. i dunno if she ever tells u this, but my friendship w her has not all been smooth also : cuz we come from different background and ways in doing things. but we always pull through. that is what's amazing from us: we pull through.

rc: "yeh. its hard ainnit. our relationship was not smooth also. but is normal. we adapt, we remind each other"

am: "bingo. yes! thats what am talking abt -glad we're on the same wave"

rc: "but is hard anggit"

am: "is... always hard rax. im the kind of daughter that will asks: "why do you have children -you cud have the porche you want if not becuz of us" or "why do u marry mum? are you happy?". i made my father cries, 28 years later of steady marriage from stupid question. but we pull through. we all grow together. that makes us the US we are today. that is where i appraises your heart.. for it is pure"

rc: "i supppose ud never be happy in this world. cuz is all about learning. you can only be happy in the after life.."

am: "life is an institution racan. here is where we all are to learn"

rc: "for real. so..."

am: "so we're here now. we know now what we know. let see how: but we'll try to bring her back"

rc: "mm.."
same day: in front rax' hse, east acton. 11.30pm

**

work went off-tangent :
heavy and slow progressing

**

del was here for the weekend
cant even spend time with him except for a goodbye breakfast

**

my source of sanity holder:



bless the man that sits 7 hours w me and wait for me to let go my frustration.
i wish i could :( but all i need was the companion.. even just to sit in silence.

am: i think you're starting to see through me, that makes me not as crazy anymore :(

hmz: im seeing through you and understanding ur crazy side.. but it still makes u crazy. for i don't see anyone else doing what you do. i dont see myself doing what you do. it makes you, unique. ARE YOU FEELING BETTER NOW? hahahahhaa

am: *hugs. thanks. :))


gotta give him the credit for the BEST line i read so far:

am: ur tired. i shud let u go

hmz: nop is ok. i can stay..


whooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *teary.
ppl dun understand, the trade off from living in transit.
the continuous of feeling "abandon" for this is, an ever changing world my friend.