fighting an impulse "loneliness" : process break down

is this missing,
or my dare-devil loneliness?
yet very much feels like waiting..
or cant wait?
to make him laugh
to hear his stories..
or tell him mine..
and learn more -about life.

feels like sending him a package
or something : anything, to break the distance.
not today. perhaps next week -if all flows well.
for he is so fine. his heart is hmm...
somewhat worth knowing,
to be close to
for it is soothing..
masya'Allah, may angels be with him.

then of course,
i cant wait. so i think..
think think think of him, therefore i feel
-this curse of a gift of mine, forgive me ya Allah..
and i feel : sadness. disappointment.
i felt.. displaced anger, for acceptance
later i found him paint.. in red.
im so, tempted to reach out and touch his soul
but is.. this real or my dare-devil loneliness?
and angels telling me to 'hold'..

so i hold my breath,
short and steady -apprehensive
hoping for him to come online, to say
a simple 'how are you. is all fine?'
but he is not. not tonight.
feels like, he is furthering away:
can we.. would you.. erm, have i
offended you in anyway
(that we cant talk abt..?)

but he is not responding..
not even listening
for those words were never out..
cuz the angels are telling me to hold..
hold this "gift" which turned into 'disabled mode';
is turning more and more into a curse..
or hold myself to reality?
wait. do.. all of the above really exist
-or is my dare devil loneliness teasing?

argh!

so i sent him email. i..
hold myself from saying all
that i felt, thought, and cursified by
twas a very short email..
i wish just to sketch the slightest
smile.. out of whatever his mood is
or what he may have to think of me.
for truly, he is so fine..
i wish for angels to be with him
and help lifts his spirit up

(no matter true or false this "gift" is telling me)


[04.18 GMT]
he is now asleep
-and i cant even "watch". not even from a distance
somewhat i am not "allowed".
is my conscious too alert to "watch"?
at this hour of day?
i.. am about to lay myself to sleep
perhaps, just perhaps.. id "see" him then

or better still, let me dream of home


...