Back Single

(09.09.09)
As Anja Garbarek says in one of her song, "I am a single unit". I am writing this only because I am so acquainted with being single. Loneliness is a word, an act, a form of pain, an illness, my next of keen just as much as my mother and father. Most of us were born alone. And we bound to die alone.

This is a post break up note, yes. Two months mark to the date. Am not writing this out of self pity. Just a mere self-note to state the obvious/some facts I have yet still try not to deal with or learn from. I am hoping this note will/can scream louder than the subconscious world. Especially when the instinct of nature is very much bendable by power of one's the state of mind. Or so, I have let myself believe these past months.

The relationship itself was short. Thus it was built with a frame to last a lifetime. From summer, to autumn, to winter right to the beginning of spring. We didn't quite make it back to summer. Those were the days of awe. Mine, his, friends even random strangers would came and greet us, in awe. We were in Paris, the city of love. Ten minutes away from the Tour Eiffel, was where we nested our love. My day to day functionalities was customized to serve him, just as he molded his to please me. He is the one man I need not to ponder if I could fall back to over and over again for whenever everything else in life seems failed. He, someone whom answers my insecurities way before i realize my own questions. He is my best friend, my brother, my lover and for sure i would've serve him in becoming the man he is about to be.

(01.10.09)
i recently found that small sweet yet sexy dress
bought for an autumn evening dance
by the Seine with him.
However autumn is no longer ours
and Seine suddenly turns into a dry legend.

In my angry head i wish to run from my own skin.

Is it not yet enough?

They say "forget yesterday, think ahead"
yet these denial phase has forced me none but to cross over
back to the days of everyone's childhood, and forth..
and back where is suddenly a whole project of its own,
to fill the gap between differences
-in establishing normality:
are they common denominators
or familiarities?

dont they know? is no longer the time..

i just want to be

me.

with all my wrongs. my values. my believes.
and him.

Is it not enough?

not even the Kiayi can grant absolution of one's vow
in keeping their commitment 'to love till death do us part'


... then what is, enough?


his smile, is somewhat enough to freed me from my denial.. for the day