update dikit:
holiday visa udah lodged in pagi tadi. being in the consulate felt like i was just been in istanbul. mirip pasar. semua signage pake bahasa turki, blom lagi orang2nya. approximate cmn ada 4 applicant yg english speakers, diantara padetnya sarden2 berjalan. salah satunya iranian, ngajak ngobrol ttg how irritating the whole commotion was? well, gara2 ngobrol, antrean depan gue banyak di serobot org2.. untung gue prepared dgn 1/4 bitchy ala marangonian dose and my 'dun give a shit' ipod escapades.
dari situ gue ke picadilly. cari relax, atawa panti pijet. gue cerita keluhan punggung gue, yg hv been on heat dan nyeri sampe pangkal kepala kalo duduk. katanya gue butuh swedish. yg dateng org jepang, kecil mungil u la la cantik nian. gimana gue ga skeptis, apakah dia bisa mijitin kulit badak gue. but i gave in, and she was: genki. setengah jam tuh kurang banget. gue cmn punya budget setengah jam, tpi gara2 nyerinya masih ada -pas mo gue extend pun, dia udah punya klien berikutnya: ibu2 gendut tajir bercap 'reguler' di dahinya. gue sirik :)p. gue jalan keluar dri panti pijet makin kliyengan - a job half done is worst!
perjalanan pulang gue 2x bablas stop'an bis yg gue tuju, berhubung gue ketiduran mulu. i hv to say, peredaran darah gue mgkn better off secara nyeri2nya udah ganti jadi ngilu sampe ke otak. begitu akhirnya gue sampe rumah, mata gue perih dan i hv a terrible headache.
called mum, updated her abt my morning. told her im feeling ill -no help, she was feeling ill too. she still demanded gue proceed ngurus oz visa.. dan buat jamu. gue bisa ngerti anglenya ibu: tpi kalo disatu sisi she still wants me to fly out in 2.5 weeks... then err, hallo? gue ga nanggepin irritasi gue, gue cmn bilang, "we'll see. im sleeping now. bye"

is almost 4. stiff back, hardy neck and sore eyes.

...

weekend lalu gue seneng bgt. brg sama anak2 gue akhirnya punya secured bumper. lingkaran pertemanan yg bikin aman, nyaman, ga maksain kehendak/ada maunya. kita cmn: lucu2an. yg semakin kenal, semakin pengen tau dan deket. rasanya kaya oasis.

gue dibaca kartu2 tarot. niatannya ngebahas departemen percintaan. sayangnya kesedihan gue kmaren2 terlalu dominan. ngebaca pahitnya masa lalu disaat gue mau bangkit, rasanya kaya jangkar kapal cargo yg narik kaki gue balik ke dasar laut: with force. basi. sedikit gesek ke dunia percintaan, katanya gue butuh pasangan yg punya finansial stability -buat ngebalance cara hidup gue. haha! ya ya ya. saatnya gue untuk sedikit matre' atau be humble sama cara pandang orjadul yg bibit-bebet-bobot.. hehehe. i guess the quest untuk nyari 'the' partner of life of mine itu bakalan tricky. iya, 'bakal' karena toh skrg gue masih ga terlalu put the effort untuk nyari. gue juga masih preparing myself, gue mgkn ga akan nemu orgnya in his 100% worth yg gue idam2kan. we gonna work on that.. apalagi since, well, gue makin lama cenderung jadi lebih demanding (like my queen). hu hu. is ok, is all good. naming names? ah lets not naming names. 'gigante' baru online. guess my heart is still close to him. pas ditanya sama wifey, jawaban gue sendiri gave me shock..

'i guess i saw a lot in him, yg dia sendiri ga mau ngeliat. i guess my prayers/wishes buat dia is a long life contract sampe dia make a full use of his potential. the fact that dia masih sama pacar yg sama setelah 5 taun, tanpa ngerasa cinta.. itu gue sayangin. then again, 5 taun itu lama.. pastinya ada yg good enough buat dia stay in it. gue coba untuk nggak terlalu involve. but yea, i still believe in him (as an individual)'

yes, im a fool. but im a fool to a great man, mind u. so i wish him well. i wish my wifey well. i wish my family's short coming plan to go well. i wish my close circular of friends well. and now is time i disconnect from the world: or my schooling days will go well down the well. back to lonely days. ciao!


ps: i wish i can go to a rehabilitation centre for some good months. where every where i see is white with endless green park. just to mend all the knots in every musculature and joints on my body. proper rest physically; mentally; psychologically. and collect my old steady driven self back. no demand what so ever on how/what/when i should do things. i need total acceptance, from me - for me. amen!