i sat for the second time across a dining table from this half-stranger man.
just the two of us.
man and woman.
nothing romantic.
just plenty of sezchuan chilly dishes in between us.
yes, the love of food and one story after another.

and i feel the need to write this down for some reason, one day i may do understand why do what i am doing.
probably maybe, it can just be as shallow as:
the fact that i dont do this whole ordeal of extra effort in letting myself to jump into the pool half selflessly in getting connected to someone or anyone. i let this happened by chance and time. not, volunteering the 'lets meet up for dinner' kind.
but this time i did.
so dats random chance in itself.
then again, he is the brother of a trusted friend whom i met some odd ten years ago on the internet.
the same friend who gave me three free tix entrace of goodtimes.
bla bla..

yet random dont need to be so abstract;
i did feel some connection on the first night out.
the romanticism value in him.
how he sincerely says he misses his wife on the second day he was here in london.
how he repeatedly says,
'is tough to be emotional people. is never easy being a cancerian. there's too much at stake'
i didnt say much then. i just lend him my ears.
im too aware of what he was saying, id rather not to say too much..
after the gentlest nudge of opinion to be spilled from me, all i can say was
'my closest friends tends to worry for me about my emotional department.. is good, they're trying to protect me. they think is fragile. and it is. tho we are the one living through it, it is just the way we are. so we just handle things in our own time and our own way, no?'
.. and i let him continued on
story after story after story later,
to our second dinner.

took him to a localised pub afterwards.
warmer atmosphere, more intimate stories.
he talked. and this time i did some talking too.
the night turns out not to be have a smoother connectivity afterall.
from lovelife, to culture, to being an alien, to art.
and suddenly just like that..
i was myself. talking about my thoughts, freely.
just like how i can be with my close friends.
unafraid.
despite the ten years differences and
whatever every compare and contrasting experience and accomplishments in his life
i was just telling some stories of mine
free

for all and all similarities and differences,
we're all human.

and i figured,
is that opening unbargainable instinctively detected chemistry

"romanticism"

then i learnt the esteem behind my long life unbreakable adoration onto one man,
yes of course slowly i am finding bits of flaws here and there tho still,
is his "romantic" passion for life that prevails above all else:
his childlike sincerity
the patience and gentle selflessness in trying to understands anything, everything, you..
the wholefullness of his commitment in embracing moments
..
all is in that damn packet of
idealised romanticised passion for life

and he is not a cancerian
he is just is,
almost supernatural calm steady water being
whose whole life dedicated into giving.

he gives so much, he may having difficulties in receiving
he gives so much, he never actually asks for anything
he gives so much, he tries to spread the seeds of good faith..
that nuthin much more is there to asks,
for Allah is only fair to those with faith..
while there's so much and a lot more to do about giving,
for all Allah has given to you is for you to later give away..

not that complicated really.
is just is.
idealism does not need to kill.
idealism exists from of faith.
as wisdom comes from wonders.
and bla bla.. the list goes on.
instinct also, comes from faith.
the faith in trusting yourself in making some judgements about a situation
(not, someone)

i feel, a very mild almost non existance euphoria tonite
perhaps this is what 'freedom' means.


....