gue cabut kelas pagi. punggung gue masih nyeri, tebak aja gimana kondisi leher gue. coba cari dokter, tpi sistem NHS maksa gue untuk nunggu 26 extra hrs buat dapet appointment. inilah yg namanya demokrasi equality: ngantre. telpon sekolah. siap2 buat kelas ke2 dan 3.
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kelas ke2, brg geoff: gue musti extend predikat B3 jadi Bitch Butch Bastard and Beyond. he was in his nasty mood. again. untuk gue bediri deket sama 'des, feedback kritis'nya geoff yg bikin lemah syaraf lama2 jadi lucu. well, kita ketawain aja. ternyata material yg gue bawa untuk di asses rame2 depan satu kelas, lumayan banyak dibanding yg laen. which means, canvas gue jauh lebih luas untuk di cela2/dikremes/dibuang dilantai. gue mustinya cukup 'bahagia' bahwa karya gue cukup bikin dia peduli, "ini punya siapa?". dan tiap kali gue cuman nyengir, "mine.." "me.." "me, again" dan tiap kali gue jawab dengan cengiran, 'mau apa lo?'. heck it works! ada 3 ide gue yg 'lumayan'. buntutnya satu di eliminasi, satu lagi bukan karya gue -tpi photo kawinan mas ud. itung2 promo sedikit soal kultur: byk yg ga nyangka kalo kita masih mertahanin tradisi/begitu saratnya spiritual elements dalam sebuah pernikahan. (yes!)
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kelas ke3: gue dikirim ke kantor student advisor. work rate gue appauling, katanya, close to failing. worse, yg gue gamble kali ini adalah subject terpenting. jadi gue ngobrol sama debby. manusia yg menurut gue, enggak banget deh. tapi gue suka, debby nggak coba nutupin the fact bahwa dia itu emang, enggak banget deh. dia bantu gue ngitung bulan2 yg kesisa untuk tahun ini. enam. enam bulan sisa sebelom july. enam bulan lagi dari 2.25 tahun kerja keras gue kmaren, sebelom gue lepas dari taon ke tiga. dia bilang, 'toh lo udah bayar sekolah. knapa lo buang2?'. gue bilang gue ga suka sama italian-ways.. gue bilang gue ga bisa connect sama dosen gue.. gue bilang gue loosing believe.. gue coba bilang semua uneg2 gue. dia juga nggak coba convinced gue other-wise. dia cmn bilang ini sekolah top, dan nggak failing means, gue ngasih diri gue sendiri opsi setelah lulus -apakah gue masih mau dealing sama this whole italian dominated industry. jujur, jawaban gue sekarang masih -take me home, marry me and il look after the children and open a floral shop. >)p. tpi gue bisa setuju sama angle yg debby kasih. in closure, gue terlalu manipulative untuk nggak ngasih dia ego boost. gue bilang makasih, gue bilang gue lega bisa interaksi sama dia, gue bilang gue tadinya takut untuk bisa ngomong sama dia/siapa aja disekolah. gue pengen ngobrol sama massi, tapi nyali gue masih terlalu vulnerable. sisa kelas ga kerasa sama sekali. it didnt kill me. tho it doesnt inspires me either. i just hv to do this.
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just had dinner. my back still in pain. not so much of agony. just freaking hate the in-between. gue wish ada somebody i can confide/at least just be in the same room with me. di perjalanan pulang, gue akhirnya mikirin 'gigante'.. gimana dia pernah di satu ruangan sama gue, while i continued with my life. maaf, tapi rasanya nyaman bgt. jadi deh gue ngayal. ngayal kalo pas gue turun di stop'an bis gue, ada dia. atau ngayal bahwa kita pergi makan rame2, dan dia suggested untuk nganter gue pulang -being the gentleman that he is. lalu pertanyaan itu timbul, gimana reaksi gue? ah. idealnya, kira2 begini: "there has been noone who makes me vulnerable as much as u do. this is a critical point in life for me, i hope ud understand that being in the same room alone with u will be the most joyous yet dangerous for me. and i wouldnt risk it. not this time."
gigante: "so u'd just push people away now?" gue literally, froze di alam khayal gue, sebelom gue jawab, "i guess, yes." cepet2 gue alter khayalan gue. disamping gue ada cowo tinggi pake blazer krem. refleks aja gue wished org itu adalah deni, jadi gue bisa bang my head to his back...
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another issue brought up was 'loneliness'. satu issue yg gue coba hinder, tpi kebuka semenjak weekend lalu via stacks of tarot. debby yakinin gue bahwa kita masing2 perlu that focus, self-determination to get a day by rightfully. sesuatu yg makin lama makin surut di diri gue. dia bilang itu kenapa massi udah less involve di decision making. itu kenapa gue simpulin, keluarga gue feels like more demanding than ever -tanpa giving in ke manja2an gue in return. itu kenapa, gue masih single and not even trying. sigh. karena kalo gue masih blom bisa bakar semangat gue; gimana gue bisa, well ga usah bantu ngangkat.. but merely ngegandeng tangan org laen untuk saling bakar semangat (hidup) satu sama lain? so yea, im doomed. im doomed by choice. a choice i made without realising. a choice when i tell my parents, 'yes im ok and content -pls do not worry'. a choice when i gave massi the 'can u help me with this, and dont even think to influence me with the rest'. a choice that i made long time ago to stay single -and be happy.
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time is running short. i still hv a lot of grounds to cover.
i am,
entering war zone.

ciao beautiful people!

ps:
demand 'manja' gue makin lama semakin ngelunjak. itung aja:
1. to gain the right to always travel on business class (since i get all the headache fulfilling their impossible demands)
2. mannequin £450
3. an extra pair of winter jacket, boots, gloves, hat (approximate £800)
4. bicycle (brand nu, approximate starting from £200)
5. monthly facial and 1 hour massage (£200)
6. wacom board screen on (£1800)
7. to travel the world on a clipper boat for my graduation (£50,000 -2005 rate and costs me a whole year, including training)