i was being pessimistic. i've lost my appetite every time i get hungry. i was being paranoid. felt like throwing up every bite i took. i cant afford to fall sick, i have to eat. what is happening with me? so i started to fish for some memories. then i remembered: the sleepless nights, the coldness of the room, the lights that can never be totally off, the starvation mode.. all life's discomfort/deprivation elements. to give a sketch that persona, a little life u can call it, a line of hope of whatever a creator is missing/longing at one point. funny, suddenly i found a slight comfort within the obscurity. i felt all is going to be ok. as long as im not suicidal. i know i can pull this of, ive been here -ive done this before. on the contrary, while i am writting this now, the whole idea disgust me.

so i cant resist but to speculate on the probability of the subconscious, that i am getting closer to someone. or if i may rephrase, allowing myself to amuse and be amused by other. argh. bloody winter, has ur chill really froze my nerves of shame? or has my soul gone too cold too early, that it almost as if desperate for warmth? even from the slightest spark in his eyes looking at my random clown acts. hey u, i wont deny ur current relationship.. damn! i wish i dont have to want anything more out of u. i can promise u i will try my very best in keeping the dignity in our friendship. it shouldn't be too hard, wud it? i cant see u for now, and when i do -i wont be holding ur arms anymore. tho' in this absence, pls allow me to turn u into my muse.

as stuck as i am with my work, i started with the aspect i hated the most: detailed-doom-web of accessories. soon i jumped to menswear. i flipped through the magazine i happened to stole from the boys last week. an idea. two ideas. then i jumped to searching for poses. i found one. ONE! and is not even come close to the dynamic feel that i am longing/clearly lacking off in this project. none. all the mens are stylised in suggestive sexual act or just standing around, busy acting 'cool'. why is the media sending the wrong message here? dont they know women are waiting for some real action, rather than just pretty boys hangin about pretending to be macho? i tell u, we are becoming such a lazy society spoilt by gadgets and sex drives. yes, i am upset. i am upset becuz i am part of that society and im getting neither!

the closest encounter i got was when a boy (17'ish) passing by on a bike, covered in his hood, and says "u 'rite love?". what the hell is THAT? so...sooo...soooooo not manly. forget manly, how about macho? is that a definition of macho? why am i wondering in the first place.. this is hackney!! my stupid little head wondered what wud come next if i had replied.. "well, im about to hv dinner. wud u join me? dun bother to talk, just sit there. im not interested in ur life. but if i enjoy ur companion enuf, why not pop over afterwards and hv a fuck?" har har har. so easy rite? i mean, wudnt any boy wud say yes for a fuck? so i altered the scenario a little. let say then he became unpredictably aggressive/violence. no.. we're not talking about sadomasochism -we're not up to the sex bit yet. say then and there, in the middle of the street he suddenly becoming violence.. id say i'd try to defend myself, kick his two wheeler so he lost his balance. ah yes as for climax, he supposedly fall -hit his head to the parked cars, a little blood drips will be a good chance for me to escape. let me took his bike too while im at it.


i am not suicidal;
i am not premiscuous;
i am not a thief;
neither am i a murderer...
im just saying these to remind myself,
before i masturbate my brain, thinking of massi, in the shower.