N-i-a-t

it felt the right thing to say, when i said
"you need to be alone to sort your priorities right"
tonight i just realize the literate depth of that sentence..
i wish you to be a-l-o-n-e.
just you, no me, no her. Point Zero.

and i may still want to see you trying for me.
Lie! I would like that.
I love you so much, that i want to see that day.
You, left me with a glimpse of hope of
this "Niat" for me. for us.
Id like to believe in that.
I still want to believe and able to trust you.

Even if it turns out that, after an Alone period
u think otherwise of me?
thats fine too..
Id close the book with your dignity still intact.
"I loved a great man -we were just not meant to be"

But if you are once again, letting your ego win
by letting her stay any further,
then i owe you a definite farewell.
Id burn the book in
"i screwed up for loving a screwed up boy"

I understand my position is weak
not to mention the distance between us.
Henceforth this needs you to be a stronger person
comparatively to even when i was still there.
For your own self. For us. For me.


..
Do understand,
Im not comfortable myself to have us
turning into an ego battle such as now.
I desperately need your first proof of
your words towards your "Niat"
to know if you are someone worth my trust


funny ainnit?

this note is asking for a proof of trust.
where it is obviously written due to the lack of trust,
this note very well can do further damage
more than to help build trust.


press here!


...


i hate you so much
i hate the way i love you
i hate that im still trying to not hate you
i hate how you brought this moment to us.
i hate the way this is ruining us.
i hate to see us, ruined.
i hate to have to tell myself that we are ruined.
i hate to not able to love you.
i hate to feel that this is turning me into her.
i hate your ego to allow yourself to be plin plan.
i hate your non existing ego simultaneously
i hate your non existing ego for us
i hate your non existing ego for yourself when it comes to her.
i hate her.
i hate to have to hate her.
i hate to have to defend myself about hating her,
when you should be the one defending me.
i hate hate
i hate how you let us go so easily
i hate to wonder if you loves me
i hate to ponder if you ever loved me
i hate to not able to trust whatever your answer to that

i am so full of hate,

that i hate myself

because of you.