a little too close to 3am when im closing my adobe. im in the brink on crying. rephrase, im desperate to cry. i wish, i cud cry. yet i dont like crying myself to sleep. worse is to cry yourself to sleep at 3am in an empty cold bed. alone. what irony; people tend to wake up at 3am out of bad dreams.. (incidently) woke their partner, just to cuddle each other back to sleep. at least that's how i see it. how i see fits. how things been done in the past. instead, black is grey and white is too far fetch. here i am, closing to 3am. cooling down my brain by thinking. thinking in words. which i was so free of in the past 12 hours. 12 hours minus bad conversations with him. merely because i wasnt thinking. not in words at least, let alone in sentences -that carries the weight of human interactions. yet i was thinking in letters and everything else sways in imageries. so now my brain decompression chamber is taking its toll in, thinking. thinking about the prayers i missed -regretting its calming impact while im already drifting too far deep for someone who preffers me not to be with him. thinking about work -the so much yet so little, will it ever be enough? then again, only saints do measure enough. and i had to be in fashion, the superficial devilish dog eat dog world of fashion. nevertheless trying to be a saint. another irony? too much ironicism makes it parody, i tell you. im so tempted to hold my pencil and starting to sketch, like now! it will only echoes the hyper-volumised laughter of slap-stick-parody: another joke on me. tomorrow bound to be a long day. id need me. id need me not to collapse. id need me to sell ideas. id need all optimism there is in me. id need me not to loose hope. id need me not to loose. id need me not to loose (him). id need how i miss to sketch. id need a kiss too, if i may add. so mind me, id need to cry.. (i too, am only a woman)

if i hadnt done what i did, wud i be in fashion?

if it wasnt for a premonition, wud i still be drifting away?

if they weren't so liberal, wud i be more religious?

if black is black and white is close, wud i be happy?

if the word 'irony' is never been known, wud i ever laugh?

if i choose open free sex, wud i be a lesbian?

if 3am means midnight, wud i find my pencil?

(how) to live life without answers