i called him. since its friday. my very first friday not having to wonder whether we wud cuddle or not. cuz he isnt here. and he aint coming. just like how im not going. just like that. so i called him up. got to say my 'hi' and conversed in the coldest tone i can afford. not too impressive. far from cold, yet blant. if there is such word, 'blant'. i manage to always forget myself with him. ego seemed locked in some cupboard somewhere i dont hold its key.

i said i miss you -blantly.

he said 'dangdut'.

i said i miss you only, nothing to be embarrassed about.

he giggled.

i said you wudnt giggle, if you doesnt miss me too.

he giggled.

so i said, i only miss you -you dont have to miss me too.

(he wondered)

he hints. so irritatingly, hinted, how he'd love to have me there. i knew just because a friend told me earlier. but not him. he just hints. so irresponsibly spineless. i said im busy. i said i have plans. what i didnt say was, im ready to be busy until he finds his spine -better still, he might find the key to my locked up ego while he is at it.

yet im still what i am, egoless refreshed woman(ly). he may not need to understand this; the fact that i called means i long to hold him in my sleep. and i wont judge him in the future if he doesnt get it: he is only a man.

. . .

closed my adobe at exactly 3. done some good-enough-to-ruin-my-printer jobs. good enough for now. it went smoothly, not without hurdle. my thundering thoughts of him, in between what i do. i did spend good solid couple of hours calling upon my guardian angels. they say my feelings are save. they told me to be patient. they say is time for my womanly-goddess-like-trait to be tested, merely by letting him be (the man). so he needs some time, he needs to assure himself, he is afterall looking for a wife.

something that doesnt seem to frightened me. something else tells me the comfort zone i find in him doesnt come twice. that something is assured in the stupification of premonitions. does it make a good enough foundation to start anything? heck, then im pertrified. thus do hear me out, "i dont mean to doubt you (from my life).. i just want to work things out, as nothing is impossible (with you)." yet yes, im terrified. terrified of the dark shadows which has been following me around. i see it from the corner of my eyes. no, not those; my other eye. just to let you know, it shudnt be it -it shud've been you. only time can permit, for that gate to opens.. where the shadow will be lightened in shade, and you can feel me too. g'nite dearest...