that 9pm phone call that finally reached at 9am. it was my call. my call to reach out to him. that old dusty him sweet love story of mine that we never had the chance to put and end to neither dare to start. we just happened. but we never existed. he has his reasons and so have i. somehow years back we learnt to understand what we have never spoken about: that sheer gloss affinity of fear if either of us let love blossom between us. that was then, 4 years ago over 10,000 miles from where i am now. yet the phone still redials back to him whenever the storm of life hits.

he is not the easiest person to comprehend, and is not like i wud settle for anything easy. thus what we have is my one and only platonic 'give and take' relationship based, where 2 + 2 = 4. i dropped him cookies, he gave me a kiss. i sent him a card, he longs for me. i called him while he is in the shower, then he masturbate. so blatantly raw, that it simplifies any ambiguities that causes the head to spin high and dry between a man and a woman. not to say that we dont have our fair share of heart ache from facing our own fears. he fully understood in order to have me, he would have to marry me whilst for i to be with him, i would have to defy my mother's will. either we make or we brake. however four years is not too short of a time to realise a desire. i cant blame anyone's sceptic minds to say that he plays a refuge camp roles to me now, but i can tell you is not without any backup plans i have been keeping to myself on how i can be with him. simply out of respect. the respect for each other in allowing ourselves threading and being threaded in a long haul of expecting the unexpected love story. since anything else beyond that respect is highly clouded by fear.. the fear of love itself. is four years what is required to find courage in giving love a chance? furthermore, is 2 + 2 = 4 really means love, or purely long exciting desire of lust? as far as im concern, being with him will only means prenuptial agreement: where i wud have to forego my 2 + 2 = 5 ego and the only way i can feel secure to rest within his fears is through a business plan. and let everything else flows. i can commit in my best ability to my nature calls as a woman to work towards creating that happy family and bare his children as my health permits. that is the maximum i can offer. short and clear, in less than half a paragraph ey? yet put the variable of desire and senses... i wud give myself another two to three years. and he will be reaching forty by then.

however else i called him this morning. the least i owe him that much for now, and had it not been long passed its expiration date. he has been trying to get me an internship over the summer, just so we can be in the same town. he is offering the service so he could win the right to see me for longer than fifteen minutes. for fifteen minutes is the only time i have him (to see me) the last time i saw him: it was one year ago, over 10,000 miles from where i am now. i recall him says, "id rather not to see you at all if fifteen minutes is all i get of you." and i gave him my bitter laughter, since i did see him only to tell him my dissapointment of him for not giving me call backs out of the two weeks i was in town. so our path towards love in the past, had its own nasty thorn. and somewhat the older you get, you wish to get wiser. he, wishes to start this next chapter afresh. i, am dillusionated in my guilty pleasure of my own desire to be wanting by someone else.

"how are you, are you ok?"
'yea, im good'
"ive been trying to reach you and i got no reponse!"
'well, id respond if i get them. you know that'
"so whats up?"
'im calling becuz i dunno when i can come over'
"are you saying, you're not coming over?"
'no, not that. id love to come over. i just dont know when. with this operation comin and all'
"you're going for an operation?"
'yea, minor one. the thing is, i dunno how long they gonna keep me in the country afterwards..'
"i see. of course. listen, im hold up right now. send me a text so i can call you back? im not quite sure where you are or which number you're on now"
'why of course'
"and il call you over the weekend, i promise"
'yes dear, il text you'
"i love you, you know i do dont you?"
'im sorry?'
...silence...
"well text me alright, and i love you"
'i will dear'
"this is the part you say 'i love you' back?"
'aa... i love you too, darling'
"alright then. talk to you soon, alright?"
'ok...'

if 2 + 2 = 4 really means love,

then why is it so hard for me to surrender?

instead my heart's strong ignorant will is to love

another, of/in a 2 + 2 = 5 quality

whilst he is so clearly not wanting me?